I knew IT was coming. IT comes every year (notice I didn’t say month—that’s
a whole other problem). The dreaded winter blues are here. My seasonal
depression has officially kicked in to high gear. My hats are all drooping and
colorless. I can feel my insides becoming hollow, my happiness and joy draining
like a bathtub. I’m left an empty shell numb to emotion. If I were ever capable
of murder (heaven forbid!), winter is the most likely time I could stomach the
act.
So why not just pop
some pills and call it good? All I have is a shrug to that. I just don’t love
the idea of pills. I can’t really explain why. I’ve taken pills once when Kayla
was tiny and a lack of sleep was making my seasonal depression unbearable, but
once my insurance stopped covering the prescription the next spring (and I was
better due to spring arriving anyway), I stopped taking it.
UV lights are helpful. Kayla in my life is helpful. Though
she’s sometimes an added frustration, she brings my sprinkles of joy throughout
the day. Like today when she said, “Thank you, mama” without being told to, I
was so touched, I cried. Ok, the tears might have been a seasonal depression
symptom, but they were happy tears. She also made me laugh when I put her
winter hat on and she said, “boo,” after I pulled it off her eyes. I’m smiling
now just thinking about the moment.
During my winter blues, my entire hat collection loses
its color. My writer hat loses inspiration. My housekeeping hat collects dust
(and doesn’t care). My wife hat has little patience. My mom hat has no
patience. Don’t get started on my woman
hat. Winter pounds are already clinging to my waist, but all I want to do is
sit down with a big bag of Doritos. Lean meats and healthy carbs are not appetizing.
Fruits and veggies are not appealing. The last thing I want to do is get off my
butt and exercise. Natural instinct is preparing me for hibernation. The
problem is humans don’t hibernate (I don’t see why not—it’s a great idea…).
The worst part is that my excitement—about anything—vanishes. For example, I should
be excited about this Friday. My friends and I are going to a haunted house. I’m
getting a night alone with my hubby. My head is excited, but my heart could
care less. And what about woman’s Bible study? I’m learning GREAT stuff about
God and how he works and what he wants for my life, but the feelings are simply
nonexistent.
This is when I’m grateful that love and faith are NOT
based on emotion. Loving the people in my life and believing in God Almighty is
a daily choice. So I lift my hands in praise even when the emotions aren’t
present, and I hug my husband even if I don’t feel like it. I give piggy-back
rides to my daughter when I’d rather not, and I smile through the emptiness and
look forward to spring.
Hats
off to you, my friend. I will write again, but until then...
hang
on to your hat! ;-)
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